Paris Hilton Found Naked Backstage

With a reputation for trying new things, Paris Hilton is at it again. She was scheduled to appear at the Hollywood Bowl last night and perform with Black Sabbath in her debut singing appearance. Apparently, something went terribly wrong in a Paris Hilton kind of way.

After the introduction by the emcee, and the "entrance music," at which time Paris was supposed to walk on stage, she failed to appear. After an awkward pause and a second try, the result was the same. No Paris. A stagehand was sent backstage to determine the cause for her absence and rush her to the stage. After what seemed an interminable amount of time the stagehand sheepishly appeared on stage and motioned to the emcee, who was attempting to entertain the crowd by making balloon animals. The stagehand explained to the emcee that he had found Paris backstage, terribly entangled in the mic cord.

"I had been practicing my turns and spins, like I was supposed to," Paris said as the stagehands worked feverishly to free her from her bonds. "Ozzie told me to keep practicing until I heard the music, and then I was supposed to come out. But when I heard the music and tried walking toward the stage, my feet weren't able to walk because they were all tangled up. And I couldn't get dressed like that. And I couldn't walk out naked. Well, I could, I guess, but I couldn't get untangled. Plus, I was chewing gum at the time so I probably couldn't have walked out there anyway. Show business is so hard."

There was no shortage of help. When the stagehands rushed to her rescue, they spent considerable time — much more than required actually — to free her from the mic cord. "It took about ten of us to finally get her loosened up," said Juan Valdez, previously employed by a Columbian coffee manufacturer but recently laid off due to an issue involving his burro and a young lady in Tijuana. "Paco was in the parking lot. If he had been with me he could have chewed through the cord in no time. He has very good teeth. It would have been much quicker." Paco is Juan's burrow.

After the stagehands finally managed to get her untangled Paris arrived on stage to a standing ovation. But the enthusiasm of the crowd waned as she gave a pitiful, pitchy rendition of the forties blues song, "Wang Dang Doodle." Afterwards, she apologized. Not for the singing, but for her late entrance, and she promised to give each member of the audience $725 to make up for their wait. Promoters indicated to this reporter that future shows with Paris would require a cordless mic.

In an "off-the-record" interview, Paris stated that she is seriously considering suing Al Gore for inventing the microphone and not including instructions.